That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
