you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
