from now on my penis is your penis
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have fence marks all over my body
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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