The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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