I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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