Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize