so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
