I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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