genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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