Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
