oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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