i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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