I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
