I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
