70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
