I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
