My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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