How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
