I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
