i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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