I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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