btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
