The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize