She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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