i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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