He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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