I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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