I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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