I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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