You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
