I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
