Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
