did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
