im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
