Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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