will power is for people who don't want to get laid
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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