I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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