It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
