She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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