Do you still have your period?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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