Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
