Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
