i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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