I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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