Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
this just has baby written all over it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
