You can't special order awesome
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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