You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
