I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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