ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
