My hair reeks of homosexuality.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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