I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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