Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
