K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
