there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
