My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
